In all that you do, either you are or you aren’t. There’s no in between, just black and white. When I originally thought of the title for this post, I was reminiscing on my past as I read a poem I had written to my dad the day before he passed away from cancer, almost two years ago. I told him he was a black sheep and that I was his black sheep. We laughed. We cried. Mainly we vibed.
My entire life I have been a black sheep. I had no choice, from the way I was raised. I moved every year, attending new schools and learning new cultures. I never stayed in one place long enough to conform, but I adapted. I knew I was different and that I had rebel tendencies. Granted, my looks helped me get by as I moved and met new people. They were a little nicer, but still on edge as to who this new girl was. I didn’t even know who I was? Unfortunately, due to my moms illness, I didn’t grow up with her. I constantly searched for that “motherly” figure in my elders, but mainly my teachers. The only thing I truly had going for me was to try and outshine everyone in school. It was the only way I could be positively acknowledged. I was EVERY teachers pet. But I digress.
Now that I’m all grown up, I’m extremely thankful for the lack of a “normal” childhood. I see things differently. I see black and I see white. I see dark and I see light. I see love and I see hate. I get to thinking.
Why the sheep analogy?
Well, either your a follower or your not. Simple as that. I see time and time again people doing what society says they should do, and they are truly suffering deep down. They know they do not want to conform, but they do it anyways because it’s “safe.” Maybe they want others to like them? Maybe they are scared what others will think if they go off and pursue their wildest dreams.
I’m not here to decipher their reasonings. I’m just hoping to get through to anyone who is tired of suffering. I get a lot of DM’s and emails from people reaching out to me because of this exact reason. They are trying to satisfy their parents wants, their mates wants or society’s fucked up norms. I can hear the pain in their voice as I read their message. I love that people confide in me enough to reach out, yet the only thing I can say is follow your heart. I know that saying is clichè, but it’s cliche for a reason. I’m not going to tell anyone how to live their life, but I am going to tell YOU to live YOUR LIFE.
I feel like maybe I should dig a little deeper,with my own story… starting with my dad. This man Was a wise man. They called him blue eyes He had the fairest skin of his peers with the blackest hair and eye like that of a Siberian husky. Piercing. Stunning. . He was a gangster earlier in life. He spent the beginning of his life in and out of jail, and for that he was blessed with becoming an avid reader. Books were his go to and he ingrained the value of them upon me. He wore many hats in his lifetime. But his morals were clear. Never go down without a fight and fight for what you believe in. Don’t be a snitch. Be happy. Pretty simple rules. Later he became a Christian (hence my name) and did Gods work. People always laugh when they see my daddy in me. They think it’s weird that I like certain things. I love my chucks and flannels and muscle cars and gangster flicks to boxing and oldies music. Yes I love everything he stood for. He bred me. Because of him, I know the value of a dollar. I know how to appreciate nature and the most simplest of things. I know how to hustle. I know how to love. I know that I don’t know anything. Because of him I am forever a student of life.
On another note, I have always had two sides to me. One that’s just purely sweet like honey with innocent notes, and then of course this badass, sexy, rebellious, take nothing from no one side. Growing older makes me realize that we must tame our demons. As I gravitate more towards the spiritual community, I see many that don’t really align with who they say they are. We all wear masks so I am not one to judge. BUT I can empathize. The more we try to redirect our path towards positive, the harder we are fighting to leave our demons behind. A spiritual or wholesome journey won’t happen overnight no matter how hard you try. It took Buddha 45 days of pure meditation and 35 years of life to become “enlightened.” We want so bad to be pure and clean, but we’re human. We will sin. We will have thoughts. We will realize that it’s best to have balance. Temptation is everywhere, and we all have vices. We just need to wake up and realize what we want to feed our soul.
In regards to these photos by @bennie.la we had a lot of fun. We had actually shot together the day before in Northshore and had such success with the pictures that we decided to shoot again the next day a few hours before his flight back to LA. He envisioned these walls in black and white and we just played off each other’s vibe. Good shit. It’s safe to say I was inspired by his black and white concept as well. Thanks again Bennie, you rich bish.
Mantra: “The darker the dark, the lighter the light.”
Currently listening to DAMN. by Kendrick Lamar. It’s heavy.
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